I Hit A Wall

With the prospect of any muscle I may have wrangled sneaking out the side door this morning, I am despondent. I've come just about as far as I can alone. I cannot lift the remaining frame to put in the dumpster and I cannot carry the lumber needed to start the new frame from Home Depot by myself. And I cannot kill everyone in my immediate family because it's obvious now I need them for even the most basic of life's functions -- like building a shed.

This is probably a good thing. There is a rhythm to keeping my Etsy shop properly stocked. Well, not properly stocked so much as adding new inventory every week day at noon and 5pm. Part of that rhythm is making at least 3 pieces of jewelry a day. Since the shed project started last Saturday, I've made 3 pieces total. Not good.

The thing is, I sit down with my board and wires and beads and tools and all I can think of is that mothereffin' shed. Maybe I can wrestle that last piece of frame onto the shopping cart, wheel it over to the dumpster and then use my back to hoist it over the lip. Is it possible to carry one 7 foot 2 X 4 from Home Depressed at a time until I've got all the lumber I need? I could drag the remaining board out of there and clean the area up, fill in holes and level it out so that it'll be ready for the frame when (and if) it finally gets made. Goddamn, my household is full of slackers who piss me off and think just because I'm unemployed I have gained superhuman strength and should be able demolish and build a shed all by myself. What a bunch of biotches!

And then no jewelry gets made. My mind is so stuff full of shed and anger that there is no room for even a glimmer of an idea for a pair of earrings. I did make these earrings last night but they are not a new design. They're a pair of much loved earrings that got sold that I made minor changes to.

No matter how hard I tried to concentrate on earrings, all I could think of was this.

I'm Only One Fat, Diabetic Old Woman

Which is why I am inordinately proud of myself for taming the old shed and wrestling it into the dumpster. I had to practically take the thing apart bolt by bolt in order to fit it into the tiny dumpster. Look at the before and after:

The foundation frame is proving to be much more of a problem. For one thing, my old crippled ass cannot bend over for long periods of time and for another thing, I couldn't get the men who live here to lift it. Oh no, they couldn't do that. They had to be all manly after coming home from work and being shown up by the old, fat woman with heart failure and take apart the frame themselves.

They got half of it done before they gave up. And, as you can see, it isn't lifted. They have promised to pick it up before they leave for work today but I suspect that they won't because they are really discomforted by the fact that I took down the shed all by my weak little self.

And finally, a moment of silence for those who were killed in service to our new shed. Four beautiful, healthy hostas made their big, bushy homes up against the old shed. A week ago they graced us with lovely, long purple flowers. One even had high contrasting variegated leaves for our viewing pleasure. What you see now is all that remains. I think that perhaps, that very first one may come back strong next year. The other three. . . goodbye strong and hearty hostas. I'll miss you.

Hey Look! An Entry About Wire Wrapping!

Oh, the shed blog is not done by a long shot. Yesterday, however, instead of "noonish" like the Udumpit company told me on the phone, the dumpster arrived "7 pmish"-- to dark (and rainy) to get anything done. So instead of shed news, I bring you this look into my creative process and show why no one should be looking in there, it's messy and a little crazy.

It started out as a request for less pierced earrings on my site AND a single large focal bead. I couldn't make an earring out of one single bead so, a pin it will become.

A Godawful pin. Man, that's a lot of ugly. Why did I decided to wrap the wire after I was half way done? And that blue polka dot bead is not so pretty in its surroundings. In fact, the pin would look a thousand times better without the blue bead. Maybe I should try again.

Yes, that is better. Wrapped all the way up and down, jarring polka dot bead gone, metal beads flopping around on it's own wire for no practical reason whatsoever. Oh wait, I know why the metal beads are not attached. Because I want to show off the cheap plated brass underneath all the wire wrap! Or, more likely, I focused on doing the same pin as the first one but without the focal bead. Or, most likely, I wasn't thinking much at all.

Ah, that's better! My only question is: Why couldn't I have thought of this one first and saved myself all that time, trouble and supplies?

The Shed is Dead, Long LIve the Shed!

The shed at 9 am.

The shed at 11:30 am.

The shed at 2 pm.
















It only took three days of work for me and one day of work with 3 strong men to bring it down. If only I had thought of the strong men angle earlier. It wasn't until after the shed was down that I realized we need a dumpster. Today, another trip to Home Desperado for exterior paint, two inch screws and a dumpster. I will also try to lift the rotted floor away from the frame.

Which means I get to use the tiny circular saw. I used to be afraid of it. Really frightened. So frightened I didn't like to watch anyone else use if because I was afraid to witness an amputation. One day I was forced to use it (sprucing up two old and cheap bookcases) and I grew strong and I learned how to get along. Now I love using the thing. It makes me feel like Queen of the Mountain!

I'm always Queen of Sheeeba. Here's my shop to prove it.

Until Further Notice- This Blog is the Shed Blog

This is our new shed. It was delivered Friday and I was all gung-ho to start demolishing the old shed. Only it was 110 degrees outside. I walked out, turned right around and walked back in again to huddle around the A/C.

Saturday was overcast. It was still a hunnert but with the cloud cover it felt almost winterish. Good enough to take down that old shed. It wasn't really tied to the ground anymore any way. You remember the shed from yesterday. In case you don't, that's it over there.

I pulled all this stuff out of the shed myself. Except for the heavy stuff. And the furniture. And the dry wall. But everything else!

This is what the shed looked like when I finally succumbed to heat stroke and died. Luckily, I resurrected beside my bedroom window A/C.











Going out to destroy more shed. Meanwhile you can visit my shop. It's air conditioned.

I've Always Depended on the Kindness of Internet Friends

In the mail this week I received a box full of gold and silver. GOLD AND SILVER! And other stuff. It was sent to me by someone who is neither cranky nor an old man, yet that's what she calls herself. Don't ask me, I'm just the recipient of her largesse. This was a good thing to get in the mail this week as it has been brutally hot and we don't have central air.

Yesterday was spent huddled around the bedroom air conditioner as if it was a campfire and I was Roald Amundsen (look it up). Inspired by my treasure box (that's what she said), I decided to try my hand at bead weaving.

From left to right are my first, second and third attempts at the peyote even count stitch. There were other attempts but they didn't count because they never made it past the s#$so%$^j fucking BLEEP! stage of development. Mostly because I was using the needle and thread in my sewing basket and lemme tell ya, that piece of crap cotton thread will snap on you for no good gandagit reason. Just POP! and beads all over the place! Without warning. Just. . . POP! Just freakin' POP! Motherhumping string snapping WHY OH GOD, WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO ME, I fucking HATE YOU there are beads in my cereal POP! Yes, I'm still emotional about it.

Attempt number one, my very, very first attempt, was encouraging. Only I had a problem figuring out which beads were in which row. I also had a problem with starting a new row from the top. I figured I could help the not-knowing-which-row-the-bead-is-in problem by using different color beads for the different rows.

Which brings us to attempt number two. Alls I gotta say is: WTF? I seriously have no idea what in the hell went wrong there and how I ended up with that ball of mess. It's like I took peyote and not stitched it. At least the string didn't pop.

The third weave. Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout! Except for I still cannot turn the corner and start a new row from the top, hence the mess at the top of this try. But I'm getting closer.

I will get 2 six row down, 4 row across peyote even count stitch weaves. I will! I've got earring plans for them! And then, when I make these earrings I've designed in my head using this weave, I'll sell it for $400 because that will be monetary equivalent of the pain, time and suffering I put into them.



Get 'em while they're hot! I've already got one complaint that the earrings they wanted to buy are gone. Oh, I'll make another pair for her but it won't be the same.

There Is No Tutorial Here, Only Misery

Last night I was going to make an earwire tutorial but it was so hot my fingers melted. Well, my fingers didn't melt, but my will to live did. Add to this fact that there is shit in my water and the town has advised us not to drink it unless it has been boiled, reducing me to drinking beer at 6:30 in the morning. While beer in the morning does have the benefit of rebuilding my will to live, it does nothing for my ability to make a tutorial.

Not only is there no tutorial today, there may not be any blog entries this weekend. The reason is that not too long ago this was my shed.

A mighty wind blew it over and the only thing keeping it from blowing through the neighborhood wreaking destruction, killing and maiming was the mulberry trees pinning it down. Today a new shed is coming. It's a Rubbermaid resin shed that is supposedly easy to construct. We also have plywood coming. That's supposed to be used to replace some of the rotting shed floor.

Now, here's the thing: Me and my family, we're city folk. About as city as folk get. I'm from The Bronx, hubby is from Harlem and the kids were raised in Brooklyn. Throw us in the middle of a gunfight and we'll know exactly how to stay alive. Give us a shed to build and, well, I don't know what'll happen but there will probably be a gunfight long before a shed gets built.

So. . . no tutorial until the shed gets done. Please pray for my family.


Don't forget to visit my shop. You could buy something and keep me in beer. Lovely, lovely beer. Mmmmmm.